Dear Bank Manager,

I am writing to thank you for bouncing the check with which
I endeavored to pay my plumber last month. By my calculations
some three nanoseconds must have elapsed between his presenting
the check, and the arrival in my account of the funds needed to
honor it. I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly deposit of
my entire salary, an arrangement which, I admit, has only been
in place for eight years.

You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of
opportunity, and also for debiting my account with $50 by
way of penalty for the inconvenience I caused to your bank. My
thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident
has caused me to re-think my errant financial ways. You have set
me on the path of fiscal righteousness.

No more will our relationship be blighted by these
unpleasant incidents, for I am restructuring my affairs in the second
half of this year, taking as my model the procedures, attitudes and
conduct of your very bank. I can think of no greater compliment, and
I know you will be excited and proud to hear it.

To this end, please be advised about the following changes:
First, I have noticed that whereas I personally attend to
your telephone calls and letters, when I try to contact you I am
confronted by the impersonal, ever-changing, pre-recorded,
faceless entity which your bank has become. From now on I,
like you, choose only to deal with a flesh and blood person.

My mortgage and loan repayments will, therefore and
hereafter, no longer be automatic, but will arrive at your bank, by
check, addressed personally and confidentially to an employee of
your branch, whom you must nominate. You will be aware that it
is an offense under the Postal Act for any other person to open
such an envelope.

Please find attached an Application Contact Status which I
require our chosen employee to complete. I am sorry it runs
to eight pages, but in order that I know as much about him or
her as your bank knows about me, there is no alternative. Please
note that all copies of his or her medical history must be
countersigned by a Justice of the Peace, and that the
mandatory details of his/her financial situation (income, debts,
assets and liabilities) must be accompanied by documented proof.

In due course I will issue your employee with a PIN number
which he/she must quote in all dealings with me. I regret that it
cannot be shorter than 28 digits but, again, I have modeled
it on the number of button presses required to access my account
balance on your phone bank service. As they say, imitation
is the sincerest form of flattery.

Let me level the playing field even further by introducing
you to my new telephone system, which you will notice, is very much
like yours. My authorized contact at your bank, the only person
with whom I will have any dealings, may call me at any time and
will be answered by an automated voice. By pressing buttons on
the phone, he/she will be guided thorough an extensive set of
menus:

1. To make an appointment to see me
2. To query a missing repayment
3. To make a general complaint or inquiry
4. To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there; Extension of living room to be communicated at the time thecall is received;
5. To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am still sleeping. Extension of bedroom to be communicated at thetime the call is received;
6. To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to nature. Extension of toilet to be communicated at the timethe call is received.
7. To transfer the call to my mobile phone in case I am not at home.
8. To leave a message on my computer. To leave a message a password to access my computer is required. Password willbe communicated at a later date to the contact.
9. To return to the main menu and listen carefully to options 1 through 8.

The contact will then be put on hold, pending the attention of my
automated answering service. While this may on occasion involve a lengthy wait,
uplifting music will play for the duration.
This month I've chosen a refrain from The Best Of Woody Guthrie:

"Oh, the banks are made of marble
With a guard at every door
And the vaults are filled with silver
That the miners sweated for"

After twenty minutes of that, our mutual contact will
probably know it by heart. On a more serious note, we come to the
matter of cost.

As your bank has often pointed out, the ongoing drive for
greater efficiency comes at a cost. A cost which you have always
been quick to pass on to me. Let me repay your kindness by
passing some costs back.

First, there is the matter of advertising material you send
me. This I will read for a fee of $20 per page. Inquiries from
your nominated contact will be billed at $5 per minute of my
time spent in response. Any debits to my account, as, for
example, in the matter of the penalty for the dishonored check, will be
passed back to you.

My new phone service runs at 75 cents a minute (even Woody
Guthrie doesn't come for free), so you would be well
advised to keep your inquiries brief and to the point. Regrettably,
but again following your example, I must also levy an
establishment fee to cover the setting up of this new arrangement.

Best Wishes,

Your humble client

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